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Overanalyzing Anime
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If you were to ask Jeff why he attempted suicide, he’d tell you that he just, “felt like it.” Simple as that. A spur of the moment decision that had no bearing on any outside forces whatsoever. He’d also say that, while the other people in the “nuthouse” (mental institute) - of which he’s forced to temporarily reside - might be “crazy” “whack jobs,” he, himself, is normal; he’d tell you that, unlike the others, he “doesn’t belong [t]here.”
Of course, he’d be lying.
Suicide Notes, written by Michael Thomas Ford, follows fifteen-year-old Jeff, who has just awakened to find himself in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. The story spends a total of forty-five days – which are each denoted by a chapter of the novel – delving into the reasons that ultimately landed him there.
While the title of the story makes it clear from the jump that the story will revolve around the idea of suicide, Suicide Notes spends much of its time withholding the circumstances that ultimately led Jeff to attempt the act. So, to avoid spoiling the book for those who haven’t yet read it, the first half of this review will focus on the broader aspects of the story, while avoiding any topics that might spoil the overarching plot.
For starters, Jeff is a great choice to lead the book. While I’ll admit that there are moments where-in I was forced to suspend my disbelief - mostly from the fact that our fifteen-year-old lead had such an expansive knowledge of psychological/therapeutic techniques - the majority of the story felt very realistic. This was especially true of Jeff’s mannerisms. Reading this novel - which reads very much like a journal or diary - felt eerily like reading my own thoughts scribed to paper at that age. Not in the sense of having tried to commit suicide, but just the overall feel of the character; his wit, his dark sense of humor, his unwillingness to compromise on his own beliefs - such as the fact that, despite overwhelming sentiment, he was one hundred percent fine.
It’s nice - watching him develop as a character over the course of forty five days. Getting to experience him, little by little, come to terms with the fact that, while he may, temporarily, belong in the mental institute, it doesn’t make him - or any of the other people there with him - “nut jobs” or “crazy.” He needed help, and despite resisting people like Doctor “Cat Poop” and Sadie at first, he ultimately realized that they weren’t his enemies.
Speaking of which, the supporting characters in the story are pretty phenomenal as well. With such a limited setting, Ford is forced to craft worthwhile characters that make the story worthwhile - and he manages to do just that. While each character goes about it in different ways, they all share the same goal of shaping our lead into who he’s meant to be. Some characters are straightforward in their approach - such as his parents and therapist, all of whom want to discover the “why” behind his decision to take his life; then you have other characters who unintentionally affect and influence Jeff, such as Sadie and Rankin.
What really makes this story “work” for me is its format. Being written in the form of a journal/diary really helps readers get into Jeff’s thought process and aids us in understanding him better. We get to appreciate the fact that, while he may be intelligent, he’s still not very mature; while he acts as though he doesn’t care about other people’s opinions, he’s actually pretty insecure; and while he may put up the facade of having it all figured out, he’s terribly unsure of himself.
I also want to add one more thing before I dive into spoilers; if you have an issue with graphic depictions of children engaging in sexual activity, then, be warned, because there are several instances wherein that happens during this novel.
But, that’s really all that I can say without diving into spoilers, so… you’ve been warned.
So, Jeff is gay. Which, both did and did not come as a surprise to me. In the opening chapters I thought that he might be gay – in fact, if I’m being completely honest – up until the third chapter, wherein he finally said his name, I was under the impression that this was the story of a young woman, not a young man. It was that fact – the idea that the lead appeared to be more feminine than masculine, that led me to believe that he might be gay.
But, then came mentions of Allie – as well as the budding relationship with Sadie – that put those thoughts to rest. Which is why when Rankin snuck into Jeff’s bed that night, I immediately expected him to fight him off. But he didn’t. While the whole scene felt a bit “rape-y,” I was glad that it wasn’t that. Jeff, while shocked, seemed to enjoy the experience; not necessarily that it was with Rankin, but the fact that he got to have a (mostly) positive, intimate experience with another man for the first time in his life.
However, that leads me back to, perhaps my only real issue with the novel; which is the fact that it does, on numerous occasions, sexualize the children of the story. Whether it’s Jeff – who, mind you, is fifteen – (consensually) fondling Sadie’s breasts in her bed, or Rankin coming into Jeff’s bed to – for lack of a better phrase – jerk him off in his sleep; then there’s the oral sex between the aforementioned characters (Jeff & Rankin) that takes place shortly after that. It’s one thing to allude to sex between minors in media, but for Ford to go into such graphic detail, it can be a bit off putting; especially when it’s made to be such a sensual ordeal.
The death of Sadie definitely took me by surprise, but I have yet to decide whether or not it was in a good or bad way. Part of me feels that it was done just to provide readers with a shocking climax, but I feel that the Rankin situation could have been an appropriate climax with Sadie’s death. No, the death of Sadie felt more genuine – it was shocking, and seemingly came out of nowhere, but is that not, often, how suicide happens? The signs may be there, but more often than not we seem to miss them? Or, we think it’s just a phase that the individual will work their way through. But then, sometimes, they just don’t.
And that’s exactly what happened with Sadie.
It seems like a fitting end for her character. Not the one we would have wanted for her, no; but, a fitting end none the less. As I said earlier, these characters are ultimately here to drive Jeff’s story, and her death did just that – as it, coupled with his sexual awakening with Rankin – ultimately served to help Jeff resolve the majority of his issues.
Overall, Ford’s “Suicide Notes” is a great coming of age story. While some might see the idea of Jeff committing suicide because he’s gay as being too dark or, perhaps, sending the wrong message, I would say that I feel the opposite is true. His story is one of hope; one that tells us that, while we may think that we only have one option to escape the turmoil of life, that’s not true. Jeff trying to kill himself was the wrong decision, and over the course of his time in the mental institute he came to understand that. He chooses to stop running away from his problems and, instead, face them head on; he chooses to be open and honest, despite his fears of not being accepted; but, most importantly, Jeff chooses to keep living his live. And, I think that’s pretty damn great.
My score: 9/10
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